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SMILEY, THE PRINTER. ALBANY, OR. 



THE .. OVA/L .. CLUB 



A Comedy Drama 



IN THREE ACTS, 



SMMll SECRET SOCIETIES ... 



By CHAS. H. BURQQRAF. 



rerms:==-Six Copies and the Right to Give a Performance, $5.00 
Extra Copies, 50 Cents. 



Copyright IQOO By Chas. H. Burggraf. 

\ - 



48G99 Offtceoffiie r>3 

AC., 'SEP1719C0 .^v'^^O^ 

a, i^i ^ Cast of Characters. • ^qj 

OA/w^ Cs fTvTi^cA^ c6tvtAi'^»-j OCT 10 lyuu 

Isaac Monasses, Editor of the "Martyr" and author of the opera "Bab}- 
Elephant" — (Eccentric, should be small man). 

Old "Soger," War and Political Editor, a relic of many wars — (Eccen- 
tric, supposed to have a wooden leg). 

Erastus Dangerfield — "Rats" for short — Office Boy and Assistant Editor i 
fond of hash. 

Timothy Hay, Custodian of Correspondence of Owl Club, a relic of '73 

— (Jay or farmer, very deaf, use tin horn for ear trumpet). 

Milson, a Millionaire — (genteel). 

Cash, a Collector — (a careworn character). 

Nightingale, artist — (dressed very "flashy"). 

Susie, Dramatic Critic and Society Editor — (Soubrette). 

Colonel Snort, Politician — (fire-eater). 

Mrs. Gruffy, a Subscriber — (fire-eater). 



NOTE. — Milson can double to Illustrious Hooter and Snort can 
take All-Wise Pontiff or Heroic Herculess. 



Received of 



the sum of FIVE DOLLARS for Six Copies of ihe OWL 

I 

CLUB and ihe prinlege of (jiviug ft. performance oj //?<-" 



same 



Siijned 

Daie 190 



I 



stage Plot, Act I. 



(lor>r 



type case 



Sojer 



Rats Table Mon. Susie Table 



FRONT OF STAGK. 



THE .. OW/L .. CLUB 



ACT I, SCENE I.— Newspaper office of the "Martyr." 

Rats — (sweeping, picks up book and reads, "Gilbert and 
Sullvan," how to write comic opera). Old Monasses has gone 
crazy on comic opera; gone and wrote one called "Baby Ele- 
phant" and got the whole push in it. When I wants my 
salary he says: "Wait until I produce my opera." See 
here, Mr. Monasses; if them there four dollars haint forthcom- 
ing pretty soon, Rome will howl and Imperial Caesar will turn 
to Clay. (Exit R.) 

Enter Milson, C. D. 

Mil. — This must certainl}- be the place. Ketchum, the de- 
tective, said my grand-child was employed in a newspaper 
office and was cared for by a vagabond called "Soldier."- I 
have searched all the other newspaper offices, but in vain. 
(Re-enter Rats.) I'll just pump the office boy. Are you the 
editor ? 

Rats — Nope; I'm the devil. 

Mil— The what ? 

Rats — The devil. I sweeps out, sets type, goes errands, 
carries papers, interviews statesmen, empires ball games and 
gets cursed and jawed for four dollars a week. Then don't 
get it ! 

Mil — I want to see the editor. As he is not in, I will wait. 

Rats — This is the boss place for that. We've all been 
waiting here for our salaries. 

Mil — You appear to be a worthy and industrious youth. 

Rats — -Yep; you're right there. I sat for a picture of in- 
dustry jes last week. 

Mil — Here's a dollar for you. 

Rats — (Takes money. Aside: A dollar! Gee whiz! Here's 
beefsteak, pork chops, liver smothered in onions and HASH! 
I wonder what he's up to!) 



4 TIIK (nVL CLUB. 

Mil — Do we prosper? Business booming? 

Rats — Booming? Just look here; the Governor — 

Mil — The Governor? 

Rats — Yes, the Khedive, the Czar, the Sultan, the Emper- 
or, the Editor, Mr. Manasses, has all he can do — (aside, to 
dodge his creditors) they are after him night and day [for 
money.] 

Mil — Big bank account, eh? 

Rats — Bank account? The bank just sent word over here, 
that if we didnt quit sending over such big accounts they 
would have to build a new vault. 

Mil — Do you know a man by the name Soldier, and a 
young lady by the name of — of — 

Rats — Susie? 

Mil — Yes, yes. [Rats describes Soldier and Susie. Mil- 
son gets excited and says, yes, j^es. Rats says, "keep your 
seat."] 

Rats — This girl Susie about i6 or 17, rather good looking. 

Mil — Yes. 

Rats — (States color of hair and eyes.) 

Mil — (Excited and rises.) Yes, yes. 

Rats — Keep your seat. — The fellows vSojer, a queer sort of a 
fellow about 45 — 

Mil — Yes, yes. 

Rats — A red nose, a good sort of a fellow and looks as 
tliough he had seen better days. 

Mil — Yes, that's them, that's them — tell where they are. 

Rats — I don't know them. Never saw them. 

Mil — (Aside.) Nothing gained here, that bo}^ is too sharp 
for me. (Aloud.) Give my regards to the editor and tell 
him I will call again. (Exit C. D.) (Cornet call and hur- 
rahs outside — music, .some march.) 

Rats — I wasn't born yesterday. Here comes the regular 
arm}'. (Enter Sojer.) 

Soj — Corporal, 1 salute you. Good morning. 

Rats— (xood morning, "vSojer", you're a little late this 
morning. 

Soj — I met the enemy last night and I was their's. How 
my hair pulls. 

Rats — Where were you last night? 

Soj — Lodge. 

Rats — What did they have for lunch? 

Soj — Ice cream and hard tack. 



THE OWL CLUB. 5 

Rats — Sojer, were you ever in the war? 

Soj — I answer yes. 

Rats — Ever been in battle? 

Soj — In battle? I guess yes — you should have seen me at 
the battle of Bull Run a beautiful morning just at the break 
of day — it was a terrible fight, a man fell here and a horse 
fell there, but on they came like demons — I braced myself for 
the final charge when zip — bang — a bullet struck me there, 
(strikes his army leg) and here is my discharge; am I an old 
"Sojer", oh no! 

Rats — Sojer, will you do me a favor? 

Soj — Certainly, Seargent, what is it? 

Rats — Loan me your face. 

Soj — Face? What do you want with it? 

Rats — My sister is making a crazy quilt and wants it for a 
center piece. (Rats exit R.) 

(Sojer reads paper). For sale — a bull-dog — will eat any- 
thing, very fond of children. Notice — The Bachelors' sew- 
ing society will meet at next Saturday night; bring your 

chewing gum and cork screws. (Knock CD.) Come 

in. (Enter Cash, the bill collector.) 

Cash — Is the proprietor in? 

Soj — No sir; he waited for you, but got a telegram from 
Frisco, large fortune left him, a million dollars. 

Cash — When will he be back? 

Soj — Three weeks from Tuesday forenoon, right after 
breakfast in the evening. 

Cash — I'll wait. 

Soj— WHAT ? 

Cash — I said I would wait. 

Soj — What, wait three weeks, fifteen days, two months, 
forty-five seconds and a j-ear? 

Cash — That's my business. 

Soj — We've got the small pox in the next room. 

Cash — I have just got over it. 

Soj — The sewer is stopped and 3'ou will get the grip. 

Cash — Grip? That's just what I want, a grip on him. 
(Sojer busy with gun.) Here's one hundred and forty-three 
dollars in forty-six lots and I'll sell the whole for twenty cents 
on the dollar. (Sees Sojer with gun.) My friend, what are 
you going to do? 

Soj — That's my business. Just got up, and haven't been to 
breakfast yet; I have a man for breakfast every morning, a 



6 THK OWL CLUB. 

habit I acquired when I was Captain of the Texas Rangers. 

Cash — (Jumps up to door.) Good day, sir; good da}-, I'll 
call again. (Exit C. D.) 

Soj — (Goes to the window with gun.) I could lick him 
with both hands tied behind me. Shall I shoot him? If I do 
that will make an item. Good thing the boss wasn't here. 
Monasses and that Bill Collector must not meet, for if they do, 
there will be a spontaneous combustion. Suffering cornmeal! 
Here he comes now. He thinks the coast is clear and will 
meet that collector. He must be stopped. Rats! (Enter R.) 
Quick, the signal. (Busy waving coats, etc.) He walks 
calmly to his fate. 

Rats — No; he observes, he takes the alarm. 

Soj — He disappears down the alley. 

Rats — He has fallen over McCarty's fence, and now he 
climbs a telephone pole. 

Soj — He seizes the wire. Great scott! It's breaking. 

Rats — Oh no; he's safe on the wood-shed roof. 

Soj — He escapes. (Mon. rushes in exhausted). We three 
have met again, as I told McKinley and Bryan at the Tam- 
many banquet. 

Mon — Sheriff? 

Sport — No; bill collector. 

Mon — Any money come in ? 

Rats — The usual amount. 

Mon — Did 3'ou enter it on the book ? 

Rats — It is recorded. 

Mon — Retire at once and write an article on Sound Money, 
and you, Sojer, write up Henry Clew's Views, also Brad- 
streets' Report; it will please the toiling masses. (Sojer and 
Rats at work at tables. ) Enter Susie, C. 

Susie — Miss Rhymes has sent in a poem entitled "Beautiful 
Snow." 

Mon — Put in large type that the idiotical poem sent in by 
some feeble minded personage has been used to .stop up a rat 
hole, so we won't be bothered with snow any more. 

Susie — Then I wont send her the one hundred and fifty 
copies she ordered to be sent to her friends ? 

MoN — I told you to print the poem on the front page and 
say editorially that the budding genius of the gifted contributor 
is a source of pride and gratification to the entire community. 
Mrs. Blower wants an obituary for her little Willie. He was 
kicked bv a mule and fatally killed. Remember thev are sub- 



THK OWL CIvUB. 7 

scribers. (Susie to work). For Sale — An influential newspa- 
per in a prosperous community. Circulation nominal; good 
reason for selling. Wanted — A literary faker, who aspires to 
be an editor. A man who can discount Job for patience, 
Moses on meekness and Lazarus for poverty. A rare oppor- 
tunity to stroll through the rosy path of literature to high hon- 
ors, or elsewhere. Personals — Bill Smith has stopped the leak 
in his woodshed. Jim White has whitewashed his pig pen. 

Susie — How's this? (Reads). Little Willie had a mule, 
its name was pinafore ; he tickled him on the foot with a straw 
— poor little Willie is no more. 

MoN — Rats, set that in large type. (Ratsatcase. Mon. takes 
shears and papers to Susie). As our original humor editor is 
in jail, you will have to take his place. Our jokes are served 
in the hot column. When you see a joke slaughter it with 
this steel; though it be palsied with age, spare neither sex, 
age nor political part)^ If you find an}^ not quite ripe, put 
them in the chestnut roaster. 

Soj — Did it ever occur to you that it is necessar}' for me 
to eat once every twenty-four hours ? 

Mon — I am grieved to hear that you have that terrible 
habit. However, after I produce my opera you may eat. 

Enter Miss Nightingale — down to Susie. 

Night — Are you the editor ? 

Susie — I am one of them. I'm dramatic, critic and society 
editor. Are 3'ou going to get married ? If you are, I will 
give you a good write-up. 

Night — Oh, dear, no. (To Rats). Are you the editor ? 

Rats — Nope, I'm the devil. 

Night — Oh, you wicked young man. 

Rats — Say, haint she a peach ? 

Night — [To Sojer]. Are you the editor? 

Soj — I'm the war and sporting editor. 

Night— Your duties are — 

Soj — Report fights between the other editors and politicians 
— I was war editor on the New York World in '73, the time 
General Sherman marched from Atlanta to the seaside. 

Night — Were you ever in battle ? 

Soj — Madame, I answer, Yes. You should have seen me 
at the battle of Waterloo, one beatiful morning just at the 
break of day. It was a terrible fight. A man fell here and a 
horse fell there, but on they came like demons. I braced my- 
self for the final charge when zip — bang — a 3-inch ball struck 



8 THE OWL CLUB. 

me there [strikes his arm}- leg], and here is my discharge. 
Am I an old "Sojer?" oh, no! 

Night — I want to see the editor-in-chief. [Soj. points to 
Mon.] Are you the editor ? 

MoN — If you have come to subscribe, I am the editor; if 
you come to collect a bill, the editor is out. 

Night — I want to publish the history of my life. 

Mon — The editor just died of convulsions. 

Night— And what caused them? 

Mon — A man paid his subscription in advance. 

Night — (Slowly.) That-was-too-bad. I-would-pay-liber- 
ally-for-the-notice. I-would-]iay-cash. 

Sojer, Mon. and Susie, together — CASH ! 

Rats— HASH ? 

Mon — Did you say cash? The editor is born again and is 
before you. Would you like it in poetry, blank verse, or in 
the prose column, long metre, short metre, gas metre, or 
electric metre. 

Night — I am not particular. 

Mon — (Arises.) Come into the press-room. (Exit Mon. 
and Night. R. - 

Rats — Press-room? He wants to make a mash. 

vSusiE — Sojer, just think of it, cash, we won't have to wait 
for the opera now. 

Soj — We shall all eat. 

Rats — Hash? 

Soj — You are under arrest, retire to the guard house. 
[Rats Exit R. j 

Susie — Guard house — what is that? 

Soj — A military prison. 

Susie — Were you ever in war ? 

Soj — In battle ? I guess yes. You should have seen me at 
the battle of New Orleans, one beautiful morning just at the 
break of day. It was a terrible fight. A man fell here and a 
horse fell ttiere, but on they came like demons. I braced my- 
self for the final charge, when zip — bang — a 6-inch shell struck 
me there [strikes his army leg], and here is my discharge. 
Am I an old "Sojer?" oh, no! 

Susie — I v^dll be so glad when the boss gives his opera. He 
promised me a new dress and a pair of shoes — and I want to 
go on the stage and be a great actress. Say, Sojer, were you 
ever on the stage ? 

Soj — On the stage? Well, I should say! In '73 I drove a 



THE OWL CLUB. 9 

stage from Frisco to New Orleans. 

Susie — I don't mean that kind. I mean, were you ever 
"on the boards?" 

Soj — Oh, yes; in '67, when I was commander of Fort 
Sumpter I got drunk one night and slept in a lumber yard. 

Susie — You don't understand me yet. I mean the drama, 
the theatre. 

Soj — I used to be with Uncle Tom's Cabin. 
Susie — What part did you play ? 

Soj — Ivittle Eva, because I made such a lovely corpse. 
Susie — I will try you and see how much 3'ou remember. 
Soj— What shall it be ? 

Susie — Scene between Parthenia and Polydor, the Miser, in 
the first act of Ingomar. [Can use a five-minute sketch or 
scene here from any piece] . 
Scene from Ingomar. 

Soj— 'Tis thou shalt be that wife, and thou shalt make me 
strong; young again; thy love, my pretty rosebud — 
Susie — Away, and listen now to me: 

Thou know'st my father tills the fields by day, 
And at the anvil works by night, and then 
Upon his shoulders carries to a distance 
His wares for sale; that he is now in years 
And wants repose: — say, then, when I am thine — 
Say, wilt thou think of my poor father? 
Soj — Ay, certainly I will; how could I do otherwise? 

Yes, yes, I will; I will think of thy father. 
Susie — And do? what wilt thou do for him? 
Soj — Oh, he shall be advanced, for he will be 

My father-in-law, the father-in-law of Polydor, 
Of the rich Polydor; and from the gods 
My lineage springs: 

Think what an honor; from the gods, ni}' child. 
Susie — But honor gives not food; what wilt thou do? 
Soj — Well, in the first place, buy, as hitherto. 

His wares at a good price. 
Susie — At a good price! That is, good for thyself. 

Well, and what more? 
Soj — What more! Why, then again, then will I--- 
Observe me now, and bear in mind, girl---know 
I will take thee without dowry, yes, entirely 
Without a dowry; true as thou'rt alive. 
Susie — No more? 



lO THE OWL CLUB. 

Soj — No more; almost too much. 

Susie — By all the gods, yes, it is quite too much. 

And so good evening. [Going]. 
Soj — No, stay; thou shalt not go without an answer. 
Susie — An answer thou shalt have, and mark it well: 
Procure your children, sir, a schoolmaster 
At any price, and whence you please; a slave 
To guard your house, attend to bolts and bars. 
Shouldst thou fall sick, there at the corner yonder. 
Go, bid the huckster sell thee wholesome herbs; 
Mix for th^^self thy medicine and thy drink. 
But know, for me there grows no bitterer herb 
On earth than sight of thee! Now, mark it well: 
This is my answer, thou poor, heartless miser; 
So fare thee well, descendant of the gods! 
Soj — What's that? Did I hear aright? She turns me out! 
Me, the rich Polydor! The armorer's child 
vScorns me, the rich descendant of the gods, 
As though I were her father's fellow-workman! 
Disdains me! Mocks me! There's no bitterer herb 
On earth than sight of me! Yes, and it shall 
Be bitter to thee, and to others, too. 
I'll have revenge! 
Susie — What willst thou do? 
Soj— What shall I do? I'll take 

No more swords of him; I'll buy up the rights 
Of all his creditors; summon him to justice, 
I will. I'll drive him from his house and home. 
Ay, from the cit3% him and his saucy child. 
That will I ! Yes; I'll force out his last drachma. 
Oh, I will not rest until I've had revenge! [While 
violently agitated he walks up and down]. Exit Sojer 
— enter Mon. R. 
MoN — Susie, what is all this fuss about ? 
Susie — Thefe is no fuss. Sojer and I have just been amus- 
ing ourselves. 

MoN — He is an odd genius. Tell me something about your- 
self and him. 

Susie — Well, I don't know much about myself. He don't 
like to talk about it. He was a great friend of my father. 
Both were in the employ of a wealthy man, and my father 
married this rich man's daughter against his will. He was 



THE OWL CLUB. II 

angrj' and cast her off, and drove father and Sojer from his 
office and caused them no end of trouble. Sojer took to drink 
to drown his sorrows. Then father and mother died. I was 
six years old then and Sojer kind of adopted me. We man- 
aged to make a living b}- selling soap and cheap jewelry at 
fairs, or Sojer, being a good old doctor, pouring our famous 
medical discovery down the throats of the suffering humanity. 

MoN — But your mother's father, who is rich? Who and 
where is he? 

Susie — I don't know. When I ask Sojer, he gets mad and 
«ays no one shall take me away. 

MoN — 'Tis a sad story. I hope, Susie, you and Sojer will 
see better days, and I believe you will. Go, now, and see if 
the people are ready for rehearsal. [Exit Susie C. U.] Poor 
girl; I wish I could do more for them, but poverty stands over 
me with a gattling gun. This is a queer, foolish, wicked old 
world. We can get along without it, but it can't get along 
without our valuable assistance. It owes us a living. As 
soon as I produce ray opera, I will do a handsome thing by 
Susie and Sojer. 

Enter Timothy Hay, C. D. 

Hay — Be you the editor? 

MoN — I am that distinguished gentleman. 

Hay — Hey? (Use ear trumpet, and every question repeat- 
ed to Hay.) 

MoN — I am that distinguished gentleman. 

Hay — Want to hire a reporter? 

MoN — No. 

Hay— Hey? 

MoN — No. 

Hay — I'll come for a dollar a week and find myself. 

MoN — No, no; times are too hard. 

Hay— Hey? 

MoN — No, no; times are too hard. 

Hay — I'll come for fifty cents a week and find both of us. 

MoN — No; not today. 

Hay— Hey? 

MoN — No; not today. 

Hay — I'll come for nothing a week and find fifty cents. 

MoN — ^^Who are you, and what are your recommendations? 
[Repeat each time]. 

Hay— Hev? 



12 THE OWL CLUB. 

MoN — Who are you, and what are your recommendations? 

Hay — I'm Timothy Hay, Custodian of Correspondence of 
The Owl Ckib. 

MoN — I know nothing about The Owl Club. What is it? 
Who is it? Where is it? 

Hay — The greatest secret order in existence. It does more 
for its members than any other order. If you want an office, 
then join The Owls and you get it? Their influence is some- 
thing wonderful. 

MoN — Well, I'll hire you, and pay you when I produce my 
opera. 

Hay — I'm an opera feller myself. 

MoN — We wnll have a rehearsal in a few minutes, and then 
I will give you atrial. [Noise outside.] Ah, here they come. 

[Enter company and then the rehearsal. Introduce here a 
chorus by entire company. "The Handicap," by Geo. Rosey, 
is good; then about three single. specialties. All exit except 
Sojer and Monasses.] 

Soj—The fateful hour has arrived---the hour big with des- 
tinv! As I said to the starving Cubans— Friends, Country- 
men, Arouse! No compromise with Spanish tyrants! 

MoN — [Surprised.] What do you want? 

Soj — My last week's pay. 

MoN — Pay! Pay! What do I give you a week? 

Soj — The promise of four dollars. 

MoN — Yes, yes; four dollars; four dollars a week. I scatter, 
I waste, ravage and destroy four dollars a week on you. Who 
am I; a Vanderbilt or Monte Christo? 

Soj — I can't get -my washing. 

MoN — Washing! You aesthetic viper, how dare you wash? 

Soj (some local party) and I have a date tonight 

and I must have a clean shirt. My soul yearns for a clean 
shirt. 

MoN — And do you think I'm going to let my note go to 
protest so that you can prance around in a clean shirt? Go to 
your lair, you mongrel, and write an article on "Prosperity." 

Soj — [Dramatic] Gold-bug, grinding monopolist, beware! 

MoN — SLAVE! What would you do? 

Soj — I will organize a strike. I will remove the crank 
from the press and conceal it. Together the office cat and my- 
self will devour the paste, then I will pawn these shears. 

MoN — And is there no escape? 

Soj — Yes; let me have twenty cents now, the rest Christmas. 



THE OWL CLUB. 1 3 

MON — If you could marry yourself to a clean shirt, would 
you be pacified until the present wave of prosperity has trans- 
ferred its deadly storm center to some other latitude? 

Soj — I would. 

MoN — Then listen. Concealed in a secret place I have a 
clean shirt, thinking if business did pid pick up soon it would 
materially assist me in presenting a respectable appearance at 
my funeral. But take it, and be happy. 

Soj — But what will you do if you should suddenly expire, 
and there shouldn't be time enough to get it washed before 
5'our mortal remains are laid away among the daisies? 

MoN — Array this form in this coat that buttons to the chin, 
thus concealing the absence of a shirt. 

Soj — No, Pythias, no; sooner than to accept such a sacri- 
fice I would roam the world a shirtless vagabond forever. 

MoN — [Sits.] After years of conscientious labor I have ac- 
cumulated a large indebtedness, but I have no ill will against 
my creditors. They meant well--I freely forgive them. But 
when I die, how will I dispose of the large sum I owe? 

Soj-— Leave it for your friends and heirs to fight over. See 
which one shall pay it first. 

MoN--Spoken like a true philosopher. When I produce 
ray opera, a better day will dawn. There is but one thing 
now, and we are ready to produce it. 

Soj — And what is that? 

MoN — A baby elephant — the star character. Do you think 
you could get me one? There must be one around here, for I 
have heard about "seeing the elephant." 

Soj — You leave that with me — I'll get you an elephant. 
The Owl Club has one, and I'll borrow it. 

MoN — What do you know about The Owl Club? 

Soj — I am a charter member; joined in Kentucky in '67, 
and in less than three months their influence sent me to Con- 
gress. Have you got your life insured? 

MoN — Yes, in the W. O. W. If I die, my family gets 
$2,000. 

Soj — The Owls beat that. With them, if you die, you go 
to Heaven and get $100 spending money. 

MoN — But what if I should die and not go to Heaven? 

Soj — Well, in that case you get your money back. 

MoN — They must be a power. 

Soj — They are. If you would join them your opera would 
be a fortune; vour name would resound from sea to sea. 



14 THE OWL CLUB. 

MoN — When do they meet? 

Soj — The}' meet everj- night. 

MoN — Tonight? Then I will join them, if yon will lead me 
on to their citadel. 

Soj — I will do that. Now, I will go and see if I can find 
the elephant. [Exit C] 

MoN — If what they sa}' is true about that order, fame is 
mine. 

Enter Colonel Snort. 

Snort — (Pulls off coat and puts hat and coat on table.) 
Are you the editor? 

MoN — That depends. Who are you; anyone in particular? 

Snort — Yes, I'm some one in particular. I'm Colonel 
Snort, candidate for Congress from this district, and the arti- 
cle in this paper will jeopardize my chances very much. If 
you are the editor, I Lave an account to settle with you. 

MoN — Oh, yes; subscription due. The bookkeeper is out, 
but I can receipt for any amount you wish to leave. 

Snort — Subscription, No! I want to see the scoundrel 
who wrote this. (Reads.) It says: I beat my wife regularly 
every morning before breakfast to give her an appetite. That 
I feed her children, bj- a former husband, on bean soup made 
out of mouldy beans; that I give my children five cents each 
night to go to bed without their supper, and when they are 
asleep 1 take the money out of their pockets. What do you 
say to that, sir? 

MoN — I say that the use of the appetizer alluded to is per- 
haps injudicious, especially its use so frequently. The econ- 
omy of the bean soup is apparent and undeniable. 

Snort — (Excited.) You can't bulldoze me, like we do 
voters-, by talking economy. I've been insulted, and propose 
to whip the man who wrote this. I must know where the 
editor is. or I'll thrash the whole office. 

MoN — That is very kind of you. Everything of a politcal 
nature is left with our political and war editor. He is away 
at present; couldn't you call again — next week? 

Snort — No, sir; I'm going to wait. 

MoN — Have a seat, sir. [Exit R.] 

Snort — Things have come to a fine pass, in this advanced 
age, if a man can't regulate his own family without its getting 
into the papers. I'll give this contemptible reporter a lesson 
he will not forget soon. Perhaps it may have a wholesome 
influence on these abominable newspapers that are determined 



THK OWL CLUB. 1 5 

to print everj'thing that goes on. 

[Enter Monasses and Rats, with ax and club.] 

MoN — Just received a message that the gentleman you are 
looking for has gone to Klondike. 

Snort — What? Am I to be cheated out of revenge thus ? 
Oh, if I could swear. If it was not for this young man I 
would SWEAR! 

Rats — Don't mind me. 

MoN — Will that make you feel better? 

Snort — Yes; I can give vent to my feelings; I can unloose 
the indignation that dwells within. 

MoN — Ratst please show the Colonel to the swearing room. 

(Rats and Colonel start E; Monasses motions Rats back.) 

You lock him up in the refrigerator and diet him on snow 

balls. (Exit Rats and Snort h-) That ought to cool him off. 

Enter Mrs. GrufFy, C. 

Gruff V — How do you do, Mr. Molasses? 

MoN — Monasses, madam. 

Gruffy — I did not get my paper last week, sir, and de- 
mand an explanation, sir. 

MoN — You go to the devil, madam, 

Gruffy — Sir? Such language is shocking. I'm surprised 
that a man of your standing should use such language to a 
lady. But you can't scare me that waj-. I want my paper, 
and will not leave until I get it. 

MoN — Madam, the individual just referred to is not his Sa- 
tanic Majest}' with horns and cloven feet; he is in the other 
room. He is my authorized agent when I am otherwise en- 
gaged. He is perfectly harmless. His name is — Rats/ 
(GrufFy screams, climbs on table. ) 

[Enter Rats, L.] 

Rats — Case of jimjams. 

MoN — Madam, this is the gentleman we have been talking of. 

Gruffy — Oh, you gave me such a fright. I'm so afraid of 
those pesky creatures. (Gets down.) 

Rats — What's the row? 

MoN — The lady has not received her paper. 

Rats — I left it at the postofiice for her. 

Gruffy — You did? (Rats nods.) I'll go right down there 
and have that postmaster discharged. (Exit C. Rats exit R. ) 

MoN — I see I've got to hire a policeman, so people can tell 
their troubles to him. 



1 6 THE OWL CI.UB. 

Soj — (Outside.) Whoa! Forward, march! (Enters with 
elephant. 

Note. — (To construct a baViy elephant make a cover of lead-colored 
flannel to fit over two men in a stooping position, cover to come down 
to the knees; on the legs wear large leggings of same material. To 
make a head use about -3 of a nail keg, or can make a tin frame and cover 
and pad this into the shape of a head, and sew on a trunk stuffed with 
straw. The bottom should be left open so that the occupants can see.) 

Soj — (Introduces elephant to Mon.) Mr. Monasses, this is 
Bingo. (Both bow.) Now, Bingo, I want you to do a few 
tricks to show Mr. Monasses what an intelligent animal you 
are. (Has elephant walk over him crosswise and lengthwise; 
has him sit in a chair; then asks him: Do yol? like water? 
Elephant shakes head — No. Do you like beer? Elephant 
nods — Yes. Do you like the boys? Elephant shakes head — 
No. Do you like the girls? Nods — Yes. Doyoti like music? 
Nods — Yes. (Orchestra starts up jig. Mon. and Sojer pat 
and elephatit dances.) 

Curtain. 



ACT II.— The Owls' Retreat.— A Cave or Dungeon. 

Officers of the Lodge — Most Illustrious Hooter (dignified) ; 
All-Wise Pontiff (white hair); Heroic Hercules (strong man); 
Assassins (biitchers); Custodian of Correspondence (Hay); 
Assiduous Herald (Sojer); Cautious Pursuivant (Rats). 

Curtain rises on "Hot Time Tonight." 

Hoot — The hotir of twelve having arrived, I now declare 
this lodge opened and readj^ for any business. Assidtious 
Herald and Cautious Pursuivant will search those present and 
see who are qualified to remain. (H. and P. search the mem- 
bers and find two bottles.) Bring me the plunder. Where 
thou findeth these? 

A. H— From All- wise Pontiff. 

C. P — From Heroic Herctiles. 

Hoot — You Vv'ill please explain. 

A. W. P — Most Illustrious Hooter, I had a serious case of 
stmstroke and the lodge physician prescribed that as a remedy. 

Hoot — The explanation is satisfactory, but let it be a warn- 
ing not to expose yourself to the fierce rays of the setting sun. 
And you, brother, how came you with this? 

H. H — Most Illustrious Hooter, I am suffering from a snake 
bite and the lodge physician prescribed that for me. 

Hoot — My brother, you had a narrow escape. We sympa- 



stage Plot, Act II 




Assassin Hooter Assassin 




C. P. 



A. H. 



THR OWL CLUB. 1 7 

thize with you. We, too, have seen snakes. (Members look 
at him surprised.) I mean some of us have been snake-bitten. 
Assiduous Herald and Cautious Pursuivant, you have cour- 
ageously and fearlessly performed your dangerous duty. I 
cannot express ni}- admiration for you. I will recommend 
you, Assiduous Herald, for a generalship in the next war. 
From your militar}- bearing I should judge that you had seen 
service. 

A. H— I have. 
Hoot — Ever in battle? 

A. H — I answer yes. You should have seen me on the 
battleship Oregon, at Santiago, one beautiful morning in De- 
cember. It was a terrible fight. A man fell here, a horse fell 
there, a boat sank over yonder, but on they came like demons. 
I braced myself for the final charge, when zip — bang — a 10- 
inch shell struck me there [strikes his army leg], and here is 
my discharge. Am I an old "Sojer?" oh, no! 

Hoot — Brother Custodian of Correspondence will read the 
minutes of the last meeting. 
C. C— Hey? 

Hoot — Brother Custodian of Correspondence will read the 
minutes of the last meeting. 

C. C — I loaned them to the newspaper, and they hain't re- 
turned them. 

Hoot — We will dispose of the reading of the minutes. We 
will now sing our invitation hymn. 

All sing chorus, "We don't go home till morning, till day- 
light doth appear." [Repeat twice.] 
A. H-[Sings.] 

If you want to join this order, you needn't go any farther. 
Hand your name to the recorder, he'll put you onto the 

plan: 
But he is a bold, bad man — I think he's from Japan, 
Oh, he's a terrible croaker, a most inveterate soaker. 
He'll plaj- all night at poker and rob you if he can. 
Chorus — 
Custodian of Correspondence sings — 
Now 3'ou mustn't mind that member, 
We bailed him out in November; 
He was put in jail in vSeptember 
For abusing his familee. 

He's a chimpanze and he hasn't the soul of a flea. 
The grirls all think h'un a daisv, 



1 8 TPIE OWL CLUB, 

But half the time he's crazy, as you can plainly see. 
Chorus. 

Hoot — I see our chaplain is absent. 

H. H — Most Illustrious Hooter, I left him down at ; 

he said he would be up in about an hour. 

Hoot — We will postpone his service for one hour. Next 
order of business, receiving members. Brethren, are there 
any wanting to join this influential order? 

H. H — Most Illustrious Hooter, I understand there is one 
application. 

Hoot — Custodian of Correspondence, have you any appli- 
cations for membership? 

C. C— Hey? 

Hoot — Have j^ou any applications for membership. 

C. C — Yes, yes; got one .some place. [Searches pockets.] 
Here it is? 

Hoot — You will read it. 

C. C— Hey? 

Hoot — You will read it. 

C. C — I, Isaac Monasses, being a real, live human being, de- 
sire to become a member of the highlj' influential order known 
as The Owl Club. Age, fortv-five; occupation, editor and 
opera- writer; weight ; character . 

Hoot — All very good but character. 

A. W. P — [With book.] Most Illustrious Hooter, accord- 
ing to Hou.se Bill One Hundred and Four, introduced by 



in the last Legislature, editors do not need a character. 

All — So we have heard. 

Hoot — Thank you, brother. As such is the law, we will 
admit him. Brother Custodian of Correspondence, did the 
requisite fee accompany the application? 

C. C— Hey? 

Hoot — Did the requisite fee accompany the application? 

C. C— Yes, yes. 

Hoot — Where is it? 

C. C— Hey? 

Hoot — Where is it? 

C. C — I spent it. 

Hoot — Brethren, I am satisfied our financial sj-stem is rad- 
ically wrong. Congress must do something. Brother Assid- 
uous Herald, where is the candidate? 

A. H — We've got him out there on ice. 



THE OWL CLUB. 1 9 

Hoot — Has he the rheumatism, St. Vitus' dance, or any 
other contagious disease? 

A. H— He has not. 

Hoot — Is he bandaged, or padded, or soaked in strong 
spirits. 

A. H — He is not. He comes humble and submissive. 

Hoot — It is well. Go thou hence and return with the 
lamb readv for the slaughter, dead or alive. [Exit A. H. and 
C. P., L, i-E.] 

H. H — The heroes depart on a dangerous mission. Let us 
hope no calamity will befall them. [Alarm at door.] 

Hoot — There is an alarm at the south gate of the Temple. 
Hercules, j-ou will ascertain who dares disturb our grav^e de- 
liberations. 

H. H— [At door, E, I-E.] Ah, there! 

A. H— Stay there! 

H. H — It is our Assiduous Herald and a neophyte, seeking 
admission. 

Hoot — Is he securely bound? 

H. H— He is. 

Hoot — Is he armed with any dangerous weapons? 

H. H— He is not. 

Hoot — Admit them; we fear him not. [Enter Assiduous 
Herald and Cautious Pursuivant, and Monasses in chains. 
Music and chorus Ratus on Parade, stops before All- Wise Pon- 
tiff.] 

A. H — All-Wise Pontiff, we have before you an untried ne- 
ophyte named Monasses, seeker after the mysteries of this in- 
fluential and social order. 

A. W. P — How are you, Mr. Molasses? [Monasses corrects 
him. "Monasses, sir."] According to the civil service rules 
it is my dutj^ to have him conducted to Hercules. 

A. H — Aye, Aye, sir. [To Hercules.] Heroic Hercules, 
by order of All- Wise Pontiff I bring this stranger to you. 

H. H — What is your name, sir? 

MoN — Isaac Monasses. 

H. H — Isaac Molasses — a sweet name. [Monasses corrects 
him.] What is your desire? 

MoN — I desire to become a member of this lodge. 

H. H — Very good; I congratulate you. [Shakes hand, a 
hard shake.] But I cannot grant that priceless boon. Our 
Illustrious Hooter alone can bestow that unspeakable honor. 
But according to Judge 's decision you must answer 



20 THE OWL CLUB. 

a question before proceeding further. Are you a candidate 
for .school clerk? [Or something local.] 

Mon — I am not. 

H. H — Then I will unfold to you the secret how to reach 
the ear of our Illustrious Hooter. Take this vial; it contains 
a mysterious fluid, the only means by which you can obtain a 
hearing. x\ssiduous Herald, away with him. 

A. H — (To Hoot.) Illustrious Hooter, we have here a 
stranger who desires an audience with you. 

Hoot — A stranger? 

A. H — Yes, a neophyte. 

Hoot — Away with him. 

A. H — I pra}^ 3-0U give ear to his petition. He is poor, but 
very, very honest. 

Hoot — Away with him. 

C. P — He is a gentleman, a .scholar and a good judge of 
whisky. 

Hoot — Away with him — I say away ! 

A. H — But, Most Illustrious Hooter, he has that mystic 
vial. 

Hoot — The vial? Well, now, that's different; produce it. 
(Monasses hands Hoot, bottle.) Well, .stranger, here's look- 
ing at you. (Drinks.) You are, indeed, a good judge of 
spirits of fermenti. What is your wish? 

Mon — I wish to join this lodge. 

Hoot — Oh, yes; this is Mr. Mola.s.ses. (Monasses corrects 
him.) (To Assiduous Herald and Cautious Pursuivant.) 
What do you know of this man? 

A. H. and C. P~He's all right. 

Hoot — No better recommendation does he need. The ob- 
jects of our organization are of the most noble and elevating. 
Our aims are to promote sociability among the human rarce. 
And as you go forth in this queer world it will be with a con- 
•sciousne-ss that you are linked to us, and nothing but nonpay- 
ment of dues or death can break asunder. My friend, have 
you a dollar about your clothes? 

Mon — Alas! I have not. 

Hoot — Your audacity is appalling. How dare you come 
before this dignified assembly without a dollar in your clothes? 
All-Wise Pontiff, what is the penaltv for treason? 

A. W. P— DEATH ! 

All — So we have heard. 

Hoot — And .so be it. As.sa.ssins, vour duty. (Assa.ssins 



THK OWL CLUB. 21 

start to hang Monasses.) 

A. W. P — Most Illustrious Hooter, according to our city or- 
dinance it is not a treasonable offense to be broke, therefore 
this hanging is illegal. 

Hoot — Let the execution be stopped. We have great re- 
spect for your opinion of the law. Mr. Molasses, (Monasses 
corrects) as you have no money, we demand a pound of flesh. 
Assassins, seize him! Hercules, tear from his breast a pound 
of flesh and feed it to our sacred dragon. (Throw Monasses 
on the floor, take a piece of raw meat and hold it up, then 
throw it into the mouth of some wierd head that shows itself 
from behind the wings.) Is the candidate alive? 

H. H— He lives! 

Hoot — (To Monasses.) You have shown 5-ourself worthy 
to become one of us. Before proceeding further it will be nec- 
essary for 5'ou to give us some evidence of your proficiency in 
some manly accomplishment. Brother All-Wise Pontiff", will 
5'ou read the law? 

A. W. P — According to the decision of our Supreme Court, 
before a person can become a full-fledged member of any se- 
cret order, he must prove himself an equestrian. 

All — So we have heard. 

Hoot — You have heard the law? 

MoN — Yes, sir. 

Hoot — Can you comply with it? 

MoN — I think I can ride. 

Hoot — He thinks he can ride. 

All laugh. 

Hoot — Assiduous Herald, conduct him to the dressing- 
room and don him in a riding habit. (Monasses dresses like 
a jockey.) You, Cautious Pursuivant, will retire to the 
stables and bring forth the fiery, untamed .steed. Away! 
(Exit Monasses and Assiduous Herald L,. and Cautious Pur- 
suivant R.) (Note — Monasses had better have jockej- suit on 
under his other clothes, as this is a quick change.) 

Hoot — Are there anv reports? 

C. C— Hey? 

Hoot — Are there any reports? 

C. C — It is reported that Brother is going to be 

married. 

All — So we have heard. 

Hoot —His case will be referred to the committee on matri- 
monv. 



22 THE OWL CLUB. 

H. H — Brother has the Klondituss lever. 

Hoot — His case will be referred to the lodge physician. 
[Alarm — Hercules at door.] 

A. H — [Outside.] Hokus, Pokus, Mokus, Fillious. 

Hercules admits Monasses and Assiduous Herald. Monas- 
ses makes a nice bow. Cautious Pursuivant brings in ele- 
phant. Monasses tries to ride, but fails, then undertakes the 
tricks Sojer did with elephant. Elephant steps and sits on 
him; lots of trouble. 

Hoot — Our confidence in j-ou is somewhat shaken, but we 
will give 3'ou another trial. Cautious Pursuivant, bring forth 
another steed! [Cautious Pursuivant exit with elephant and 
brings on a live goat. Monasses rides goat.] We are satis- 
fied with your proficiency as a rider. Assiduous Herald, 3'ou 
will again retire with Mr. Molasses [Monasses corrects] for 
the next ordeal. [Exit Monasses and Assiduous Herald, E.] 

H. H — It is rumored that our Brother Custodian of Corres- 
pondence is a vocalist, so I will suggest that he sing for our 
edification and amusement while the candidate is preparing 
for the next ordeal'. 

Hoot — A happy suggestion. Brother Custodian of Corres- 
pondence, it has been reported by good authority that you can 
sing; therefore, I command you to sing a song for the amuse- 
ment and edification of the members here assembled. 

C. C— Hey? 

Hoot — It has been reported by good authority that you can 
sing; therefore, I command you to sing a song for the amuse- 
ment and edification of the members here assembled. 

C. C — I can't. I've got a bad cold — out late last night. 

A. W. P — The penalty of disobedience is death! 

C. C— Hey? 

A. W. P — The penalty of disobedience is death! 

C. C — Yes, yes; all right, I'll try. [Sings.] 

Enter Assiduous Herald and Monasses, Monasses white 
shirt, black pants and coat. 

A. H — Most Illustrious Hooter, your orders have been 
obeyed. 

Hoot — Mr. Molasses [Monasses corrects] you are again in 
our presence, a candidate for the honors, teachings and privi- 
leges conferred upon those who can prove themselves worthy 
of such high considerations. You have shown us your ability 
as an equestrian, now you will be obliged to give an exhibi- 
tion of the manlv art. You must meet our gladiator in mortal 



THE OWL CLUB. 23 

combat. [Have about 3 rounds of a fake boxing contest be- 
tween Monasses and a gladiator. Monasses knocks the glad- 
iator out in the 3rd round.] You have shown yourself worthy 
to become one of us and follow the footsteps of those heroes 
who founded our venerable order. Assiduous Herald, con- 
duct the candidate to Heroic Hercules for the secret work. 

A. H — [To Hercules.] Heroic Hercules, before you stands 
candidate Monasses, who has passed the ordeals. 

H. H — Mr. Molasses [Monasses corrects] allow me to con- 
gratulate 3'ou. When you wish to gain admission to the lodge 
you will pound on the outside door. If it is not opened at 
once you will thrash the outer guard, then go to that door and 
pound again. Someone on this side will yell, "Who's there?" 
You will reply, "None of your business!" Then, "come in!" 
If you want to test anyone to see if the}' belong to this order, 
you look them in the eye and say, "Hokus, Pokus, Mokus, 
Fillious!" The}' will reply the same. We are down on aris- 
tocracy. We teach our daughters to scorn English lords and 
other foreign titles. A.ssiduous Herald, conduct the brother 
to All-Wise Pontiff for the obligation and final ceremony. 

A. H — All- Wise Pontiff, by order of Heroic Hercules, I 
present to you this brother for the last vSad rites. 

A. W. P — Brother Molasses [Monasses corrects] take bromo 
seltzer before digesting the Heroic Hercules' remarks about 
royalty. You will need it. He is prejudiced against royalty 
because royalty snubbed him. He proposed to Tootsy Ann 
Dowager of China, then again he lost $10 on three kings. 
Are you prepared to take the obligation? 

MoN — I want to go home. 

A. W. P — Ah, my friend; I would gladly release you, but it 
is against the law for members of the order to go home so 
early, especially on lodge nights. 

All — So we have heard. 

A. W. P — Will you, or will you not, take the obligation? 

Mox — [Desperate.] I am ready to take anything — arsenic, 
Paris green, or an}- other old thing. 

A. W. P — Assiduous Herald and Cautious Pursuivant, place 
the candidate in position. (Hoot, raps, all stand; Monasses 
on both knees.) When I have finished, be prepared with 
your answer. "I, Isaac Molasses, (Monasses corrects) having 
survived the trials and tribulations imposed, do solemnly and 
sincerely promise that I will accept as many more outrages, if 



24 THE OWI. CLUB. 

desired, with christian fortitude, if it breaks mj- back or takes 
a leg." 

MoN — I think I've had enough. (Assassins beat him with 
stuffed clubs.) All right, I will. 

A. W. P — (Continues.) I further promise that I will ab- 
stain from eating onions, ice cream, watermelons, or drinking 
water, as called upon by this lodge. 

MoN — Well, I like onions. I — (Beat him) I promise. I 
promise. 

A. \V. P — I further promise that I will never sign a peti- 
tion for a friend for a public office, when I am a candidate ni}-- 
self. 

MoN — But a whole lot of them do it. I — (Beat him.) I 
promise. 

A. W. P — And I further promise that, while I am an ardent 
admirer of the ladies, I will not fall in love with an}- other 
woman except my own wife. 

MoN — Never! Do you think I am a fool? (Scrap on floor; 
Hoot, calls to order.) 

Hoot — Assiduous Herald and Cautious Pursuivant, con- 
duct the brother to me. Explain your conduct, sir. 

MoN — Such a thing is absurd.' No .sane man would take 
such an obligation. 

Hoot — We have all taken it. 

MoN — Then you are all crazy; I never shall! 

HoOT — Traitor! Do you dare defy us? 

MoN — Yes, I defy you all. I will never take that obliga- 
tion. 

Hoot — Brethren, what shall we do? 

First member — Throw him out the window. 

Second member — Drop him into the river. 

A. W. P — The law in this ca.se is solitary confinement until 
he consents. 

Hoot — Thank you, brother. Assiduous Herald and Cau- 
tious Pursuivant, prepare the brother for the sweat box. 
Dress him as cool as possible. (Exit Mona.sses, A.ssiduous 
Herald and Cautious Pursuivant, E-) Heroic Hercules, you 
will retire to the basement and put a cord of wood in the fur- 
nace. A.ssassins, you will prepare the sweat box. (Enter 
Monasses, Assiduous Herald and Cautious Pursuivant, Mo- 
nasses in shirt sleeves, I.) Do j^ou still refuse? 

MoN — (Desperate.) Do your worst; I refuse. 

Hoot — It is my decree that you be placed in the sweat box 



stage Plot, Act III. 



Chair 



Chair 







THR OWL CLUB. 25 

for meditation, and when you realize your folly and consent to 
take the obligation, you will be released. Assassins, your 
duty! (Put Monasses in box.) The way of the transgressor 
is hard. 

MoN — (Yells.) Say, it's too warm in here. 

A. H— That's nothing. In '73, when me and 

joined the , they wanted us to take an obligation 

not to drink red lemonade on the 4th of July and circus days. 
We kicked so hard they sat us on a box of giant powder to 
think the matter over, and I believe a match was touched to it. 
Talk about your balloon ascensions! We went up so high we 
did not come down for a week. 

MoN — (Yells.) Hey! let me out; it's too hot in here. 

Hoot — Cautious Pursuivant, ask him if he will take the ob- 
ligation if we release him. (Cautious Pursuivant obeys.) 

MoN— [Yells.] No! 

C. P — You will stay there until you consent. 

MoN — [Yells.] This thing is going to blow up! [Explo- 
sion. Curtain. 

Note — ;Have box with skull and cross bones on it; slide out in center 
of stage, and in this have a dummy made up same as Monasses. Mo- 
nasses fires pistol and dummy flies up in the air. Dummy can be oper- 
ated with small black rope and pulleys from back of scenes. As dum- 
my goes out of box, quick curtain.) 



ACT III. — Monasses' Home. 

Susie — [Cleaning room.] My! things are in an awful shape 
this morning! [Enter Rats. Susie takes up bottles on table.] 
Wizard Oil, Horse Einiment, Paregoric, Benzine, Alcohol, 
Rub Down! Rats, what's all this mean? 

Rats — The boss has been using them. 

Susie — Is he sick? 

Rats — \\'ell, he ain't feeling very well this morning. 

Susie — What's the matter with him? 

Rats — He joined the lodge last night, and must have fallen 
down stairs. 

Susie — The lodge didn't hurt him, did it? 

Rats — Oh, no! They never do a thing to a fellow! 

Susie — What if he should die? 

Rats — Then yoti will need a new boss — no, I mean you 
will need a protector. I think you need one, anyway; can't I 
be that one? Not as a friend, but according to law? 

Susie — Well, let me see; you can't be my father, nor my 



26 THE OWL CLUB. 

mother, nor my grand-father; you're too young and giddy. 
Oh, you can be my guardian! 

Rats — Nothing else I can be to you? [Susie shakes head.] 
Listen, then, while I conjure up from love's radiant recess thy 
home and mine. See [points off and puts arm around her] 
the soft, effulgent moon casts its benediction upon a cosy little 
cottage embowered in hone3--suckles, so far removed from the 
bus}' haunts of men that the voice of nature is never silent; an 
old moss-grown well, an orchard, a garden from which to 
gather the favorite flowers; at a distance green fields and wind- 
ing lanes, and crystal ponds, and ragged hills; within, that 
which wealth cannot buy — peace, contentment and love. 

Susie — And you will put paper on the walls? 

Rats — Yes; and have a beautiful stained-glass mortgage 
that shall reflect the rays of the setting sun. 

Susie — And stuffed furniture in the parlor? 

Rats — Yes, dear; on the installment plan. We'll have 
chamber sets, and testaments, and Boston rockers, too; mack- 
intoshes, a cord of wood, a rubber over-shoe, a tin wash-bowl, 
a diamond pin and an eighteen carat dust-pan. "Its praise 
we'll forever sing, the great installment plan." 

Susie — Oh, that's lovely! But what if we can't pay up? 

Rats — The}- will take them away — everything goes. 

Susie — I see. 

"The great installment plan, it's a blessing. 
That's easy to be seen without guessing; 
You get the things without pay, 
Till there conies a judgment da}', 
Then they cart them all away 
And that will be distressing." 

Rats — And now, Susie, no joke about it. Will you takeme 
for better or for worse? 

Susie — Do you mean it? 

Rats — Every word of it. 

Susie — You don't want me! I wouldn't do for anybody; 
I ain't civilized. 

Rats — Uon't you know that civilization is the momental 
failure of the present age? Look at China! Say, Susie, how 
would you like for me to marry some other girl? 

Susie — Well, I — I — I would get mad at you. 

Rats — That settles it; 'noughsaid! Now, hear my plans: 
The boss has joined the lodge and the opera is to be a "go;" 
then he will pay up back salaries and Ave will have enough to 



THE OWL CLUB. 27 

go to school for a year — a Seminary school. 

Susie — A regular cemetery? 

Rats — Yes; then. we will come home full of dead languages. 
Are 5'^ou satisfied? 

Susie — Its's like a beautiful — you know — night-horse. 

Rats— What? 

Susie — I mean beautiful dream. I am going to go and tell 
Sojer all about it. [Exit R.] 

Rats— When we are married well, I wonder if she can 

cook HASH? [Knock at door; Rats yells] Come in ! [Enter 
Milson.] 

Mil — [Aside, Where have I seen this young man before? 
Ah, the office boy!] You are the office boy at the "Martyr" 
office? No? Don't denj- it! • • 

Rats — Who's denying it? 

Mil — [Anxiously.] That man Sojer, as they call him, and 
the girl Susie, 1 must find. I desire to benefit them; are they 
here? 

Rats — They might be here and they might be — 

Mil — Yes, yes. 

Rats — Somewhere else. 

Mil — Cease your impudence, you young rascal. Do you 
know me? I'm Stephen Milson, and demand that you tell me 
where they are. 

RaTvS — Yes, oh, yes; I know you. You're worth a million, 
but if you were worth fifty millions you couldn't make me tell 
where they are; see? [Exit L.J 

Mil — They were seen entering this house; and now, after all 
these 3^ears of searching and the money I have expended, am 
I to be baffled when they are almost within my reach? [Enter 
Sojer and Susie, R.] 

Soj — [Recognizes Milson.] Stephen Milson, what are you 
doing here? 

Mil — What! Is it possible? Truegold, my old manager? 

Soj — Aye, Truegold, whom you drove into the streets. 

Mil — Truegold, you know that was in — 

Soj — In 1873; and because I stood by that poor, but noble 
and honest lad, who dared to love your daughter, and because 
she married him you cast her off and drove Harold and myself 
with curses from your office; and not content with that, you 
hunted us down to misery and even death, all sacrifices to 
your hate — all but one, and she was be5'ond your reach? 

Mil — Mv grand-child? 



28 THE OWL CLUB. 

Soj — Yes, your grand-child; and bej'ond your reach, Ste- 
phen Milson, bej^ond your reach! 

Mil — Death! Beyond my reach! Speak, man, and tell me 
what you know of her! Find her for me and 3^ou shall never 
know another want. I am alone in this world. Give me this 
child and wealth shall be yours. [Position — Sojer down L.; 
Milson D. R.; Susie up C. ] 

Soj — I do not want 3'our wealth. The love of one true 
heart is worth it all, and that I've had. Buy it with money 
if you can, for here is your grand-child! 

Mil — She? Impossible! This is an imposture: I'll not be- 
lieve it! 

Soj — I'm not particular whether you believe it or not; but 
do you know this locket? [Takes locket from Susie.] 

Mil — Yes, yes; it was my daughter's. And inside — 

Soj — The picture of your daughter, Nellie. 

Mil — My grand-daughter! Yes, it is so; it must be so. She 
shall go with me. [To Susie.] You are, I am sure, the grand- 
daughter for whom I have so long searched — my daughter's 
daughter. Come with me, for I am a rich man. Horses, car- 
riages, servants, the richest dresses, jewelry, all shall be yours. 
Come with me. Leave this life with its vagabond associations. 

Soj — Vagabond! [Starts for him.] Yes; and who made 
me such but you? Leave here at once, or I will — [Susie stops 
him.] 

Susie — Stop, Sojer! I cannot accept. Grand-father you 
may be, and your claim upon me may be just, but there is 
one whose claim is greater than j-ours. 

Mil — And that is — 

Susie — My promised husband. [Enter Rats.] 

Mil — Husband! Where is he? 

Rats — Here! 

Mil— The Devil! 

Rats — Nope; I've been promoted. Allow me to present 
my card — "Erastus Dangerfield, Advance Agent for Baby El- 
ephant Opera Co." 

Susie — Yes; and I love Rats. 

Soj — You heathen Chinese! She will be eating bologna 
next. 

Mil — If this young man loves you, he will not ask you to 
make the sacrifice. Think what I offer you — education, station 
and finally "a brilliant match fitted to it all. What has he to 
offer? Poverty, and that which may befall the life of a vaga- 



THE OWI. CLUB. 29 

bond I (Rats starts for him; Susie stops him.) 

Soj — Yes; he's right, Susie. 

Susie — And what would you have me do — go with him? 

Soj — Do that which you think will be the best for your own 
good. 

Rats — Tell his nibs to, skate. 

Susie — Then listen: Grand-father though you may be, not 
for all your gold would I exchange these true hearts. Here 
is my home; these are my friends, so go your way and keep 
your gold. I'll stand by those who stood by me. 

Mil — ^Just like your mother — always loyal. I am old now 
and want her child to brighten ni}- declining days. No one 
knows what I have suffered all these years for my folly. Per- 
haps I may be mistaken in the character of your friends. 

Susie — You are; yes, you are. They have been my true 
friends; they have taught and protected me like a father and 
brother; they have given me food and money. What do j^ou 
think would have become of me but for them? 

Mil — I shudder to think what might have been but for 
them. (To Rats.) Young man, I admire j-our pluck, and 
offer you a position where I can test your merits; and, after a 
year, if you prove yourself worthy, I will oifer no objection to 
your marriage with my grand-daughter. 

Rats — ^Just try me. 

Mil — (To Sojer.) And I ask your forgiveness for all that I 
have wronged 3'ou. To prove my sincerity, I give you back 
your old position and a liberal cash compensation for what you 
have done for her. (Sojer hesitates.) 

Susie — Yes, he will; won't you, Sojer? 

Soj — Yes, I accept. In the future do not judge people by 
the clothes they wear. 

Mil — I realize, now, that there is manj- a warm heart be- 
neath a ragged coat. 

Soj — Yes, and many a ragged heart beneath a warm coat. 
You couldn't get me a job in the commissary department over 
at Manila, could you? 

Mil — Perhaps I can. Were you ever in service? 

Soj — Colonel, I answer yes. 

Mil — Ever in battle? 

Soj — You should have seen me and Dewe}' at Manila one 
beautiful morning in Jul}'. It was a terrible fight. A man 
fell here, a horse fell there, a boat sank dver yonder, but on 
they came like demons. I braced myself for the final charge. 



30 THE OWL CLUB. 

when zip — bang — a 12-inch shell struck me there (strikes his 
army leg), and here is my discharge. Am I an old "Sojer?" 
oh, no! 

Susie — How about Mr. Monasses, our boss? He has been 
very kind to us all. 

Mil — Your friends shall be welcome visitors at my house, 
and as time goes on our prejudices may entirely disappear. 
Then you will come? 

Susie — Yes, we will all come. But you must stay for the 
banquet. 

Mil — What banquet? 

vSoj — The boss joined the Club last night, and it's been the 
custom for new members to give the lodge a banquet next da}-. 

Susie — We're going to have baked fish, small fish, large 
fish, fish-balls, snow-balls and cannon-balls. 

Rats — And sea bass, sea foam, soda crackers, firecrackers 
and HASH ! 

Soj — For dessert, ice cream, cold cream, sour cream and 
vaseline. 

Mil — I shall be delighted to accept. 

Susie — Good. Come, Rats and Sojer, we will go get the 
banquet ready. (Exit three, L,. ) 

Mil — They are an odd and yet contented lot. (Enter Mo- 
nasses, bandaged and lame, D.) This must be the "boss" re- 
ferred to. Good morning, sir; Mr. Molasses, I believe? 

MON — No, sir; not a bit of it. Monasses, sir; Isaac Mo- 
nasses. 

Mil — Beg pardon; Mr. Monasses. I am Stephen Milson. 
You seem as though you had met with some accident? 

MoN — Yes. 

Mil — Train wreck? 

MoN — No. 

Mil — Been to war? 

Mon — No. 

Mil — Foot-ball game? 

Mon — Worse. 

Mil — Fall out of a balloon? 

Mon — Worse than that. 

Mil — Must have been something terrible! What was it? 

Mon — Lodge. 

Mil — Ah, I see; the gay and festive goat. 

Mon — Goat didn't flo it; it was the infernal machine. Ho- 
kus, Pokus, Mokus, Fillious. 



thp: owl club. 31 

Mil — Beg pardon, French quotation, I presume? 

MoN — Yes; means 3'ou will remain for the banquet. 

Mil — Certainl}'. I have an engagement at ten o'clock, but 
will return for the banquet. (Exit D.) 

MoN — I'm going to get that bill collector to join the Club, 
then I'll get a bicycle pump and blow him up. (Enter Haj'.) 

Hay — Hokus, Pokus, Mokus, Fillious! 

MoN — You go to thunder I 

Hay— Hey? 

MoN — I said you were a wonder. 

Hay — Yes, yes; message came for 3'ou in care of The Owl 
Club. (Hands message.) I'm Custodian of Correspondence; 
all communications come to me. Good news? 

MoN — You mav read it. 

Hay— Hey? 

MoN — You may read it. 

Ha\" — (Reads telegram.) "Opera recommended by The 
Owl Club. Will give you five thousand dollars for exclusive 
rights of same. Signer Vocalli." (Excited.) Five thousand 
dollars; just think of it? We'll have a banquet everj' night. 
I told you so; I told you to join 'em! Why don't you get 
excited? 

MoN — I've had enough excitement. 

Hay— Hey? 

MoN — I've had enough excitement. 

Hay' — Why don't you prance around? I prance 

MoN — I rather see vou; I like to hear vou buzz. 

Hay— Hey? 

MoN — I rather see you; I like to hear you buzz. 

Ha\' — Shall I answer him that we accept? 

MoN — I will consider. 

Hay— Hey? 

MoN — I will consider. 

Hay — Yes; yes; all right. (vStarts to go, then invites him- 
self to dinner.) Good day, good day! Yes, I'll be back for 
dinner; no, I'll not come late. (Exit door.) 

MoN — Five thousand dollars! Sojer was right; but I would 
not go through that initiation again for one hundred thou.sand 
dollars. (Enter All-Wise Pontiff.) 

A. W. P— Hokus, Pokus, Mokus, Fillious. 

MoN — Hokus, Pokus, Mokus, Fillious. 

A. W. P — Good morning, my dear brother! I am delight- 
ed to see vou alive. It is mv dutv as All-Wise Pontiff to call 



32 THE OWL CLUB. 

on the new brother the next day after initiation, to console 
him he need it, also to answer any questions of law. 

MoN — Wh}' did they order me to give them a banquet today? 

A. W. P — My dear brother, to prove our sociability. We 
believe things substantial, not trifles nor signs. A man shakes 
hands with you before election, but that is no sign he is your 
friend, nor that }"ou will vote for him. A lady may smile 
sweetly on you, but that is no sign that you are the onlj^ peb- 
ble on the beach; there are others. 

MoN — You will remain for dinner? 

A. W. P — Certainly; it is a duty I owe 5'ou as a brother. 

MoN —Step into the reception room. (Exit All-Wise Pon- 
tiff. Enter Hercules, D.) 

H. H — Hokus, Pokus. Mokus, Fillious. 

MoN — Hokus, Pokus, Mokus, Fillious. 

H. H — I see you again among the land of the living, conclu- 
ded to return to earth; let me congratulate you. 

MoN — No, thank you; you did that last night. Come to 
the banquet? 

H. H — Yes; if there is one thing I like more than another 
it is a banquet. It is also my duty and pleasure to call and 
see if you are in need of the services of our physician, coroner 
or undertaker. 

MoN — No, thank you; I think I will get along without 
them now. 

H. H — That is gratifyiug. If there is anything you want 
in a social or business way, just ask and you shall receive. 
Our organization is the most powerful in the land. There is 
nothing but what it can accomplish. 

MoN — I would like to have that bill collector join the lodge 
and then you appoint me one of the assassins. 

H. H — All right, my brother; you get him to join, and I'll 
do the rest. 

[Enter three guests, members of chorus, and collector, D.] 

MoN — ^Just step into the reception room. [Exit all except 
Cash and Mon., L]. 

Cash — Mr. Monasses, can you pay a small dividend on the 
accounts I have? 

Mon — I have an offer for my opera which I shall accept, 
and as soon as the money is here, I will settle with you. 

Cash — I have been waiting too long for that opera now, and 
can't wait anv longer. 

Mon — Well, I'll tell you what I'll do: You join The Owl 



THE OWL CLUB. 33 

Club, and 30U shall have your money in one week. 

Cash — Sure? 

MoN — Sure! What do you say? 

Cash — I'll join them at once. 

MoN — Next Friday night you be on hand at the Temple. 
You will stay for the banguet? 

Cash — Banquet? Well, now you strike me right where I 
reside. 

MoN — ^Just step into the reception room. [Exit Cash, L,.] 
I'll give him some roast pig stuffed with dynamite. [Enter 
Hay, D.] 

Hay — I told them we would accept, and they telegraphed 
back the money; it's in the bank for you now. [Enter Sojer.] 

Mon — That was kind in you. 

Soj — I've got good news. Susie's grand-father has turned 
up; he is a rich man and says he will back us in anything we 
want. Gave me fifteen hundred as a starter, so I'll buy your 
paper and run it in metropolitan order. 

Mon — I've got good news also. The lodge recommended 
my opera and I've got five thousand dollars in bank now 
from the sale of it, so I'll give you the paper and all its in- 
debtedness. I told you a better day would dawn for us all. 

Soj — And I told you so, just as I told General Grant — 

Mon — Were you ever in the army? 

Soj — I answer, Yes. 

Mon — Ever been in battle? 

Soj — You should have seen me and (some local 

fighterj at the battle of Chicago one beautiful morning in De- 
cember. It was a terrible fight. A man fell here, ahorse fell 
there, but on they came like demons. I braced myself for the 
final charge, when zip — bang — a 15-inch shell struck me here 
(strikes his arm}' leg), and here is my discharge. Am I an 
old "Sojer?" oh, no! 

Mon — Sojer, you are a good fellow, kind to a fault; a rapid 
liar and a good judge of whisky, but you were never in the 
army, and the only powder 3'ou have ever smelled has been on 
some woman's face. 

Soj — (Aside — He's onto me!) But, General, I can prove 
by the records that in '73 — (Hay cuts him off with "He}-?") 
— In 1873 — 

Hay — Yes, yes; in 1873; that's it, that's it; the crime of 
'73. I know — I was there — it was in Missouri. I was rais- 



34 THE OWL CLUB. 

ing pumpkins and them cussed gold-bugs eat them all up, 
[Enter Rats.] 

Rats — Dinner is now read)' in the dining car — no, dining 
room. [All rush in, Rats on a chair.] 

Bill of fare: Baked fi.sh, small fish, large fish, fish-balls, 
snow-balls, cannon-balls, sea-bass, sea-foam, .soda crackers, 
fire-crackers, ice cream, cold cream, .sour cream, vaseline and 
HASH ! 

MoN — Ladies and Gentlemen: Before retiring to the ban- 
quet hall, we will have a .selection from the opera, "Bab> 
Elephant." Are we all here? [Enter elephant.] 

Soj — All present. 

[All sing "Topedo and the Whale," selection from the open 
Olivette.] 

Curtain. 



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